I really love your scenery and the way you evoke it, especially in the use of the word "akimbo". I didn't really get a strong sense of the player character and wasn't given a lot of opportunities to choose from options, so I didn't really feel much like I am her, but more that I was reading about her. It didn't feel like I had much control over the story either, aside from when I chose to stand in front of the butterfly. I did really enjoy your interpretation of the characters, and would've loved to see them do some truly wild, outlandish stuff. It really reminds me of Jan Svankmajer's Alice
I definitely got a strong sense of setting, and I'm super excited to see how you finish this project! Great job so far!
DISCLAIMER: I'm not too interested in Alice and the Wonderland so something I may be confused about might be common knowledge.
I can't say much about the protagonist. I can tell you she's a Brit since she used the word "muddle" and it seems like she's adventurous since we don't see her crying about her current situation. If anything, we can have a glimpse into her head once in a while to see how she's dealing with all of this.
Also, I noticed is that her name went from Adelaide to Alice when people in this world were referring to her. Was that name change on purpose?
I believe the story is going to lea us to why she was brought to Wonderland. I bet there's a reason why she was brought there but it's up to her (AKA us) to figure that out!
Hi, Sarah. Since I playtested your project lat time, I can tell right away that this feels more horrifying to read compared to the last time, which I think is what you are looking for, so great job on that. The description of the creature, the word choice totally help me to picture a more dark version of the story, the last one feels more like a fairy tale. How the protagonist confuses about if this could be a dream definitely adds up more of the creepy vibe to the story.
In addition, you tell the player what is the goal of the game from the beginning and I appreciate that.Another thing I appreciate is that how you let the text screen progressively grow longer, which feels very comfortable to read.
There aren't a lot choices for players to choose from, which you mentioned is also your goal. I personally feel ok about it and definitely take other people's opinion on this as well.
Sorry I cannot really guess what might be the end, giving the tone of the current story, I would guess Adelaide eventually stay in this dark version wonderland and it's a pretty dark ending as well.
I can't answer the question about where it's going since I think you already told me! But I don't have a really clear sense of the protagonist. I know her name is Adelaide and that she's from London, and she seems to have a similar kind of "pragmatic" approach to finding herself in super-strange surroundings as Alice does in the original work. I don't get as strong a sense of personality as with Alice in the original work, however, since in the book Alice is always doing a particular sort of bantering or disagreeing / questioning in a smart, nosy, inquisitive kind of way. Not how "most people" would react in a surreal situation, I think? So it feels like there's still room for more of Adelaide's personality to express itself. Maybe with choices of some sort. There are a few moments (like when Adelaide says "Curious.") that it feels like hints of Alice emerge, even before the Dodo scene... but it'd be stronger if it was in contrast to Adelaide's own personality.
The mood is VERY American McGee Alice games -- twisted, dark version of Wonderland. This too is a little tricky -- like in those games, Alice remembers what Wonderland was like before (as does the player, presumably) so there's a strong feeling of "what HAPPENED to this place." Adelaide, however, doesn't have any previous connection to Wonderland, so it makes me wonder (no pun intended) whether she needs to react to the descriptions more in order to have their effect on a person come across more clearly?
The protagonist seems pretty assertive at times despite being nervous. Curious and determined. The choices we've been given so far also seem to reflect that pretty well; they're all facets of the same personality.
I'm not sure. It's apparent that Adelaide, or Alice, has lost her memory of perhaps the last time she was here. Some of the others remember her and have memories of her, so I feel like perhaps she'll find those clues and piece together who she is.
The mood is strangely dark, even more so than the originals. I haven't read or seen any Alice in Wonderland movies, but here, it seems like there's a horror-themed twist to every aspect of the world.
Rebellious, cautious. I like her; she seems to be entirely aware that something is extremely wrong and that everything here is twisted beyond its true recognition. Relatable!
The ending feels like it'll be a test of willpower for poor Adelaide. She doesn't want to be Alice, and what with how perception and reality are being treated, I have no clue if anyone else even sees her as herself, either!
I'm very interested to see where this is going. It's quite long, too!
The mood was markedly grim; I was a bit surprised at the darkness you injected into what I recall as a relatively innocuous story.
The protagonist is passive, but also very self-insert-able (if that makes sense.) Its kind of funny that she really thinks shes in a dream for a bit. Still, she's interesting because I can project myself onto her! (thats the word i was looking for)
assumptions about the ending, lets see...I think its going to be a wild goose chase for the mirror. In fact, i feel as though the case of "finding the mirror" isnt going to be what itll turn out to be, and wont be at all simple. and im so excited!!
the mood, again, reminds me of the Alice Returns game. although at one part the mad hatter was described and i just remembered johnny depp. otherwise, the atmosphere is a good mix of mysterious, dangerous, and whimsical.
also-the part about drowning to wonderland/your writing in general reminds me of the writing for Homestuck 2, which I quite enjoy!
FYI: I don't know if I got to the end or if the prototype has an error. The last line I got to was " [[The Butterfly told me to come find you."' ->First time being called Alice]] " so if there's anything past that, none of what I say applies to that.
I would describe the protagonist so far as somewhat passive. She's maybe a little jaded (I like the part when she's like yeah, if there's a butterfly man then a moving mirror isn't that far-fetched) but because I only made one choice and the bulk of the dialogue is spoken by NPCs, I don't have a super clear understanding of Alice's character. However, that is kind of in line with the book itself, so it makes sense. If you want her to be more of a predefined character, though, a little bit more dialogue and even a little internal monologue could go a long way.
As to the ending, I have no idea other than the fact that it might be some kind of coma that she's in (hence the head injury)? Perhaps her conflict is that she is tired of her everyday life, and the mirror will be a reminder of who she really is and an invitation to find the joy in the little things?
It's definitely got the surreal vibe of the book with its descriptions of the characters and locations. I do think that the characters could have some more whimsical/differentiated dialogue. I only met two characters, and while the rabbit is very distinctive and interesting, the butterfly feels more like a vehicle for exposition.
I like the direction it's going in and I love the book, so I think you're doing a great job so far! Personally, I would like a little bit less front-loading of exposition. Instead of the butterfly outlining the quest and world, I think a more piecemeal approach to setting up everything would break the long blocks of non-interactivity and add to the surreal flavor that makes the original so good.
After playing through the rest of the game, one general piece of feedback I would give is to insert a few more choices/interactivity even when they wouldn't affect the outcome. For example, when Alice is talking to the rabbit and it says she tries to interrupt him, you should let the player choose something to say to interrupt but the rabbit just continues monologuing. Additionally, having a little more agency would make it more impactful when that agency is taken away, such as when Adelaide is in the sky.
I think Adelaide's character gains more depth as the story goes on, she seems like a somewhat reluctant, somewhat sarcastic protagonist. I still think the ending has to do with identity/its suppression, and I like all the NPCs, they really add to a cool, intriguing mood!
How would you describe the protagonist? Based on where it's going, do you have any assumptions about the ending? If so, what are they? What do you feel when playing/what do you think the mood is? Any other comments/feedback would be much appreciated!
Protagonist seems adventurous, thoughtful, and appropriately bewildered without laboring over that fact. I don't have any assumptions about the ending yet really! I haven't felt the narrative priming me for any particular development yet. More general feedback: Your prose is strong and executes light horror themes very well, but I would recommend (as it seems some other folks have) changing up some of the interactivity, either in links that expand to provide more information/detail or in expressive dialogue choices, or something like that. It seems like you are guiding us toward certain story beats, which is working well, but it's worth exploring other ways to present and interact with the prose you already have! Excited to see where this goes next.
I'm getting a dreamy mood with darker undertones, which I assume is what you're going for! Actually, I think a large part of that mood is coming from character dialogue. The other characters all seem to be bitter, nihilistic, or always slightly annoyed at adelaide, and having that contrast with the whimsical-feeling atmosphere is working great. The protagonist's internal dialogue, and the few choices she can make, seem to be apathetic/passive or annoyed. If I had to guess, it seems like you're wanting to lean towards having your diversity of choices be in that range, but you haven't quite implemented that. So I think sprinkling in some expressive choices along the way will bring out her character a lot more!
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I really love your scenery and the way you evoke it, especially in the use of the word "akimbo". I didn't really get a strong sense of the player character and wasn't given a lot of opportunities to choose from options, so I didn't really feel much like I am her, but more that I was reading about her. It didn't feel like I had much control over the story either, aside from when I chose to stand in front of the butterfly. I did really enjoy your interpretation of the characters, and would've loved to see them do some truly wild, outlandish stuff. It really reminds me of Jan Svankmajer's Alice
I definitely got a strong sense of setting, and I'm super excited to see how you finish this project! Great job so far!
DISCLAIMER: I'm not too interested in Alice and the Wonderland so something I may be confused about might be common knowledge.
I can't say much about the protagonist. I can tell you she's a Brit since she used the word "muddle" and it seems like she's adventurous since we don't see her crying about her current situation. If anything, we can have a glimpse into her head once in a while to see how she's dealing with all of this.
Also, I noticed is that her name went from Adelaide to Alice when people in this world were referring to her. Was that name change on purpose?
I believe the story is going to lea us to why she was brought to Wonderland. I bet there's a reason why she was brought there but it's up to her (AKA us) to figure that out!
Hi, Sarah. Since I playtested your project lat time, I can tell right away that this feels more horrifying to read compared to the last time, which I think is what you are looking for, so great job on that. The description of the creature, the word choice totally help me to picture a more dark version of the story, the last one feels more like a fairy tale. How the protagonist confuses about if this could be a dream definitely adds up more of the creepy vibe to the story.
In addition, you tell the player what is the goal of the game from the beginning and I appreciate that.Another thing I appreciate is that how you let the text screen progressively grow longer, which feels very comfortable to read.
There aren't a lot choices for players to choose from, which you mentioned is also your goal. I personally feel ok about it and definitely take other people's opinion on this as well.
Sorry I cannot really guess what might be the end, giving the tone of the current story, I would guess Adelaide eventually stay in this dark version wonderland and it's a pretty dark ending as well.
I can't answer the question about where it's going since I think you already told me! But I don't have a really clear sense of the protagonist. I know her name is Adelaide and that she's from London, and she seems to have a similar kind of "pragmatic" approach to finding herself in super-strange surroundings as Alice does in the original work. I don't get as strong a sense of personality as with Alice in the original work, however, since in the book Alice is always doing a particular sort of bantering or disagreeing / questioning in a smart, nosy, inquisitive kind of way. Not how "most people" would react in a surreal situation, I think? So it feels like there's still room for more of Adelaide's personality to express itself. Maybe with choices of some sort. There are a few moments (like when Adelaide says "Curious.") that it feels like hints of Alice emerge, even before the Dodo scene... but it'd be stronger if it was in contrast to Adelaide's own personality.
The mood is VERY American McGee Alice games -- twisted, dark version of Wonderland. This too is a little tricky -- like in those games, Alice remembers what Wonderland was like before (as does the player, presumably) so there's a strong feeling of "what HAPPENED to this place." Adelaide, however, doesn't have any previous connection to Wonderland, so it makes me wonder (no pun intended) whether she needs to react to the descriptions more in order to have their effect on a person come across more clearly?
The protagonist seems pretty assertive at times despite being nervous. Curious and determined. The choices we've been given so far also seem to reflect that pretty well; they're all facets of the same personality.
I'm not sure. It's apparent that Adelaide, or Alice, has lost her memory of perhaps the last time she was here. Some of the others remember her and have memories of her, so I feel like perhaps she'll find those clues and piece together who she is.
The mood is strangely dark, even more so than the originals. I haven't read or seen any Alice in Wonderland movies, but here, it seems like there's a horror-themed twist to every aspect of the world.
Hi, Sarah!
Rebellious, cautious. I like her; she seems to be entirely aware that something is extremely wrong and that everything here is twisted beyond its true recognition. Relatable!
The ending feels like it'll be a test of willpower for poor Adelaide. She doesn't want to be Alice, and what with how perception and reality are being treated, I have no clue if anyone else even sees her as herself, either!
I'm very interested to see where this is going. It's quite long, too!
The mood was markedly grim; I was a bit surprised at the darkness you injected into what I recall as a relatively innocuous story.
assumptions about the ending, lets see...I think its going to be a wild goose chase for the mirror. In fact, i feel as though the case of "finding the mirror" isnt going to be what itll turn out to be, and wont be at all simple. and im so excited!!
the mood, again, reminds me of the Alice Returns game. although at one part the mad hatter was described and i just remembered johnny depp. otherwise, the atmosphere is a good mix of mysterious, dangerous, and whimsical.
also-the part about drowning to wonderland/your writing in general reminds me of the writing for Homestuck 2, which I quite enjoy!
FYI: I don't know if I got to the end or if the prototype has an error. The last line I got to was " [[The Butterfly told me to come find you."' ->First time being called Alice]] " so if there's anything past that, none of what I say applies to that.
I would describe the protagonist so far as somewhat passive. She's maybe a little jaded (I like the part when she's like yeah, if there's a butterfly man then a moving mirror isn't that far-fetched) but because I only made one choice and the bulk of the dialogue is spoken by NPCs, I don't have a super clear understanding of Alice's character. However, that is kind of in line with the book itself, so it makes sense. If you want her to be more of a predefined character, though, a little bit more dialogue and even a little internal monologue could go a long way.
As to the ending, I have no idea other than the fact that it might be some kind of coma that she's in (hence the head injury)? Perhaps her conflict is that she is tired of her everyday life, and the mirror will be a reminder of who she really is and an invitation to find the joy in the little things?
It's definitely got the surreal vibe of the book with its descriptions of the characters and locations. I do think that the characters could have some more whimsical/differentiated dialogue. I only met two characters, and while the rabbit is very distinctive and interesting, the butterfly feels more like a vehicle for exposition.
I like the direction it's going in and I love the book, so I think you're doing a great job so far! Personally, I would like a little bit less front-loading of exposition. Instead of the butterfly outlining the quest and world, I think a more piecemeal approach to setting up everything would break the long blocks of non-interactivity and add to the surreal flavor that makes the original so good.
After playing through the rest of the game, one general piece of feedback I would give is to insert a few more choices/interactivity even when they wouldn't affect the outcome. For example, when Alice is talking to the rabbit and it says she tries to interrupt him, you should let the player choose something to say to interrupt but the rabbit just continues monologuing. Additionally, having a little more agency would make it more impactful when that agency is taken away, such as when Adelaide is in the sky.
I think Adelaide's character gains more depth as the story goes on, she seems like a somewhat reluctant, somewhat sarcastic protagonist. I still think the ending has to do with identity/its suppression, and I like all the NPCs, they really add to a cool, intriguing mood!
How would you describe the protagonist? Based on where it's going, do you have any assumptions about the ending? If so, what are they? What do you feel when playing/what do you think the mood is? Any other comments/feedback would be much appreciated!
hi sarah!
Protagonist seems adventurous, thoughtful, and appropriately bewildered without laboring over that fact. I don't have any assumptions about the ending yet really! I haven't felt the narrative priming me for any particular development yet. More general feedback: Your prose is strong and executes light horror themes very well, but I would recommend (as it seems some other folks have) changing up some of the interactivity, either in links that expand to provide more information/detail or in expressive dialogue choices, or something like that. It seems like you are guiding us toward certain story beats, which is working well, but it's worth exploring other ways to present and interact with the prose you already have! Excited to see where this goes next.
- jess
I'm getting a dreamy mood with darker undertones, which I assume is what you're going for! Actually, I think a large part of that mood is coming from character dialogue. The other characters all seem to be bitter, nihilistic, or always slightly annoyed at adelaide, and having that contrast with the whimsical-feeling atmosphere is working great. The protagonist's internal dialogue, and the few choices she can make, seem to be apathetic/passive or annoyed. If I had to guess, it seems like you're wanting to lean towards having your diversity of choices be in that range, but you haven't quite implemented that. So I think sprinkling in some expressive choices along the way will bring out her character a lot more!